That’s how I’m feeling today. We, my family and I, are on the verge of moving house. Back to my old neighborhood (potentially, there are details to work out) to someplace that has more space (this part is certain). My life has taken many turns this year, one quite upsetting and serious, and I find that I am still reeling.
I started a new blog with the best of intentions. All business minded and gung ho like I sometimes get. I wanted someplace separate from this blog, a space without so much personal dialogue and, well, introspection. But, I am questioning that decision now. In viewing some of my old blog posts, particularly the ones about my children, I was sad to think of all the missed opportunities to document my life this year. The difficulties and the little joys made big for want of something to celebrate.
I’ve been through doctors visits trying to pinpoint the source of bad feelings and migraines and stomach pains and so on. I have had surgery and suffered a huge rift between myself and my extended family. A rift that I hope time will heal, though I am not optimistic. I have been so sad lately. And angry. Today, I was suddenly struck with an awful thought: This is how my children will remember me. With headaches and mood swings and sadness. I don’t want my children to view me this way. I don’t want this mom to be too memorable in their flashbacks on childhood. I know too well how bad childhood memories fester and become worse not better with the passage of time.
I want them to remember a mom that did things and made things (this they will already remember) and looked happy more than she looked sad. And I don’t want to have to fake it. You know? I want to REALLY feel that way. More often than not. Not like I have for the last Five months. On the eve of October, my birth month, I hope that I make good on my hope for change.
I am thinking merging the posts from this blog to the other and shutting it down before too many more meaningful links are made there. A lack of introspection and personal and happy and painful memories are overrated. I want to have them all, and more, in the one place.
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I’m just a long-time lurker but I wanted to post this morning. Good luck to you and your family.
I have struggled with depression and other health issues (stomach – IBS, chronic fatigue,) since I was a teenager. There are times when I thought, “Is this it?” I often wondered how I would just function in a normal world, let alone get through another day.
Your depression, you illness … it doesn’t define you. I am sure that your children worry about you, and that they are afraid for you, but they will always love you. They will see that amazing creative woman that you show us on your blog, as well as a strong role model. Yes, they will see your weakness, but they will be stronger for it. Its better for them to see the whole of you than none at all.
You’ll make it, I know. I did, and while there are still days when I think there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I know that there really is.
I wish you all the best, and hope you will find a way to feel better. We all want the best for our children, but we are all humans, too, and sometimes we can’t live our lives the way we want to. I think we’ll have to learn to forgive ourselves for that.
Good luck!
Oh, Nettie, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I’ve had moments when my body breaks down and no doctor can pinpoint the cause. Then I felt sick and like a freak.
Take care of yourself. I hope you can take a step back, breathe and relax.
Hugs!
oh no
i’m sorry to hear that you’re having so many medical problems. you’re in my thoughts sweetie!
Huge hugs to you…I know just how you feel. I have just now in the past month or so started to feel like the fog that’s been all around me for the past year or so has been lifted. I still struggle with the kind of mother I *am* versus the one I want to be! I hope you get to the bottom of your illness.
Nettie,
I came to visit you today on your blog. I know it is a long time sense we last talked. I feel what you are going through. However, I do know your children and family will not hold your moods against you. They will not remember the way you are or were a few days. Rather it is mood swings, depression, sick, or anything else. The good always out do the bad. You will be remembered as the loving and kind person you are. I have been dealing with sickness for a while. I do stress on how you feel and know that it can be a bother at times. Keep your head up. I will keep you in prayer and you always have a friend. Lyse